Long term plans

By Mrunal Nerkar

The thing is that when you were young, 

Say something fifteen years old, 

Life failed you and you failed life, in so many ways, that you quit. 

But you failed at quitting too. 

You thought you would definitely die before you were sixteen, 

So having a '10-Year-Plan' or a 'Long-Term-Plan' seemed quite redundant. 

Why plan a life you weren't planning on living? 

You couldn't kill yourself in one go, 

So you resorted to hacking pieces of yourself, one at a time, that it almost felt like murder.

Your acts of love were disguised as running a blade on your thighs,

Counting the scars till they were a multiple of four, 

Scratching the corner of your left elbow till your skin went red and raw, 

Skipping meals till you felt the hunger twist your stomach, 

Crossing the road haphazardly because car accidents are a common cause of death, right?

Eventually you realised that you weren't going to die anytime soon, so why not start taking life the way it comes? 

So the first thing you say in a long time is, "I need help."

You find God in a in exquisite selection of pills and therapy,

You pull together a little semblance of life, duct tape the whole thing together and proudly present the creature as your Life.

You are in your twenties now. 

You have a life? Sort of. Not quite sure yet. 

But yes, you work 9-to-5 (it's more of a 9-to-why), you pay the bills, you love your dog, you buy eggs and you buy cornflakes, you eat three meals and snacks (so it all adds up to 4), you sleep 8 hours, you take your pills on time, and you function like normal people are supposed to. 

But there are days when you still count the scars on your thighs, and maybe you feel like you can't breathe, and maybe your vision tunnels, but you manage. 

You can't look back, so you don't. 

You move forward.