Dear first love

Himani Chandel

Dear Diary
Sitting in this solitude, the reminiscence of my first teenage heartbreak which is usual in its way but very peculiar as well. The love is still there in the corner of my heart.
It's the middle of summer and winter time of the year, 4th November 2019. It's a pleasant morning; the usual schedule was followed by me from waking up in the morning to breakfast then walking to the college classroom while having my earphones plugged in. I sat next to my best friend in the class and attended the classes as usual from the commencement day of the semester. But at 3:45 pm one of my friends says that his stomach is rumbling so let's get a bite. So we went to the cafeteria, we ordered three vegetarian burgers and a soft drink and sat down for some time in the cafeteria. My best friend nudged me and said "Hey! Look how cute that guy is". At that time, I hardly took interest in guys, I don't know but I barely had any idea about what relationships were. So, I just like any Bollywood heroine, slowly took my lashes up and saw him and "Wow", at that time everything stopped, my friends chattering stopped, people coming from the cafeteria door, in or out stopped. Only one thing didn't stop and that was the music. "The Bacha" song by Prabh Gill was played back and forth that day and It felt like the song is just made for us. How beautiful that was? I just had a look at him and butterflies took flights from my stomach to my brain in just a second. This was just such an unusual feeling. That day I went back to my hostel, not feeling hunger or thirst, my roommates looking amazed by my behavior.
A person whom I have never met, have never heard even a single word of his voice and I have started thinking and weaving emotions for him, wow. I was making myself wait for the next day so that I can see him while having my heart beating faster than ever. Imagining him sleeping next to me I slept.
The next morning I went to the university and attended the classes but this time with a pinch or maybe fistful of excitement to see him again in the cafeteria. My free lectures started and I urged my best friend to go with me to the cafeteria and we sat there for an hour but he didn't come. I got upset and moved out to attend our lectures. But my mind was not even present in the lectures, it was busy playing with love emotions I asked my best friend "what is it that I am feeling" to which replied "Love, affection". I frowned upon myself and said "what? me? in love? No, no way". Then the bell rang and I begged my friends to accompany me to the cafeteria They all said he is not gonna show up and why do you even wanna see him in first place? He is just a person. I know they were right but seeing him there used to give me the amalgam of emotions that's so enthralling and blissful. And guess what, yes he showed up while the music hits Prabh Gill "Bacha" song as he entered the cafeteria. That blood rush in my cheeks was like spring has come and that smile could never go so bigger. I did this every day, waiting for him in the cafeteria and when sometimes he didn't show himself up I counted days. Without even meeting him, I just discussed him with my best friend and as usual, she came up with her friendship pieces of advice which were so laughable, for instance, if you take six steps then only he will take the rest four". One day my best friend and I were sitting in the cafeteria and my roommate showed up. We asked her what’s happening? Why your MBA people are here? She said "Oh! We have just got free from our meeting stuff so we came here" and at that very moment, "Mr. Cute boy" entered, oh! By the way, this was the name we gave him just for fun. My best friend yelled "He is here" and I was like "Oh no! how someone could be so cute?" My roommate said, like a lioness, "am gonna get his name, address, and his number for you after a failed insist done over me". And after fifteen minutes of talk which I and my best friend were trying to overhear so badly but failed to do so, my roommate came to me and said that name. I just remembered him and his name at that very moment. I became so happy like he has just accepted my proposal.
I decided at that moment that I will wait for him forever, no matter he comes or not, I didn't want his physical essence but the soulful essence.
That very day when I was heading towards my hostel, my classmate sat with me and started negotiating about his then-boyfriend that how much she is irritated and all. Then, out of nowhere, she asked me why I am still single. I said, "Maybe I haven't got one yet or maybe I am about to get". She eagerly asked me "Who". I told her the name and what she said you wouldn't believe. She said," he used to be his junior during her school and if you wanna talk to him so here's his contact number". I was so enchanted. I get back to the hostel and texted him "hi". Let me tell you, this all is being done by a girl who doesn't even have a single relationship idea. But there was no reply from his side. I went home on the weekend and got back to the hostel. Suddenly a notification popped up and there it was "Hi?" Again, my heart skipped a beat. I started chatting but his replies were a bit slow, but nothing mattered to me more than that he is replying. I sat in the cafeteria waiting for him every day when he used to be with other girls I used to get so jealous. But one day, he asked, "how can someone fall for a stranger?". Although he was right, I just said "I will explain when I will meet you". To which he said, "we will see to it". We had morning and night messages, as my roommates taught me to do so. I wished him luck for exams as well. I used to wait the whole day for his messages, usual college romance thing but one-sided. At night, I used to dream about a room where I and him are sitting in front of a big fire and our baby girl is playing, it's snowing outside. Oh my God, that felt so heavenly!
Then came my birthday on 9 of February, my best friend stealth his number from my phone and asked him to come over to my birthday party at the cafeteria, to which he said: "he will see to itBut yes, as expected, he didn't' come over. But what I didn't expect was, that day is going to be the last day for which we had a conversation. After that, I called him, texted him many times but no response, and yes a teenage heartbreak happened. But still what I felt remained there consistent for 4 years.I cried, I prayed for him in the morning, at the night but nothing. There was no Gurudwara that I left where I didn’t pray for him. But eventually he didn’t belong to me. The despair of my soul can be comprehend with this poem;
What if I die in pieces every day rather than dying one day as a whole? If the dawn never occurs, what if every day becomes a sunset? What if my soul dives in that sunset and never comes back. If i dwell in the rainbow of my past where everything is colorful but so opaque? What if the fine thread between your dreams and my eyes break, it gets transformed from fairyland to a graveyard of dreams. What if the grief of a song's lyrics rewinds itself every moment like its the reality of life, what if it never stops!
Would you come to console me, would you come to hug me and then kiss my forehead and say "Honey? it was just a bad dream. Just wake up and see the reality, so clear in my eyes. This is your world, your home where you are so safe that anything can barely touch your darling as I am here to protect you with all of my love"
By the way, did I tell you this whole conversation happened from 1st February to 15th February? Laughable right? Yes when the whole world was celebrating their love stories, I was busy grieving over my unrequited love. It happened for those fifteen days hardly but the effects have lasted for years. Nobody can define it right. But I must say that on this journey I have explored myself because I never left my goals, ambitions and dreams just because I was broke. But more or a less it gave me the strength to fight. Here is a great saying from a novel by Khalil Gibran "The Prophet" which quotes "For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning". "What if this never ends?
What if it stays there. What if I don't move from here? What if this becomes so incessant that I am no more able to fight this? What if time stops here if it takes every part of my breath with itself. What if every day begins with a not so audible sound of heartbreak?