Apology

By Bharti Bansal

 

Dear Baba 

I often look at the night sky in your eyes
And wonder where did all the stars collapse
You must carry a void 
For your smile spreads over your face 
Like ink in water
But it doesn't reach your heart
Maybe this smile of yours is how the sadness survives inside you
Like the frozen lake carrying thousands of fishes
And even though sometimes that surface cracks
And sunshine enters
It never melts your heart 
Dear Baba, this is an apology for breaking my/your dreams
You kept so securely in your lungs
And breathed them every single day
You say it becomes heavy breathing sometimes
Perhaps just like me,  your lungs are covered with fumes and ashes of those burnt dreams
Even though your wrinkles around your eyes are dry like Sahara 
I have seen them flooded with tears of a broken man
Dear Baba
You taught me the art of subtracting numbers
Made me learn the rules of constructing sentences
And practiced with me, the magic of division 
But as life had its plans 
I became a numberless poet
Scribbling down my mistakes as metaphors 
Do you know the last time I smiled,
Was when I heard you laughing
How do you divide smiles Baba
How do you share the loneliness which traps every single one of us individually
I wish I could scream out loud the hopeful words
Which could bounce off the mountains surrounding us
And reach your ears as prayer of a girl who stopped believing in god the day you cried
But wishes are those fallen eyelashes on your cheeks which you blow away even if Maa tells you to keep them
Baba how does a daughter apologise by not breaking into pieces of regretful days
How does sorry sounds more genuine amidst the noise of reasons, so many that it hurts to see ahead
How do I say sorry without sounding like a plead to stop pretending that you are fine 
So all i do is write you a poem 
The one you will never read
And believe that you have forgiven me in some parallel world
Where we talk about poetry together
Where you write about your mother and i write one more time for you.
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This poem won in Instagram Weekly Contest held by @delhipoetryslam on the theme 'My Sincerest Apologies' 

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